sad. sad. sad.

I've been trying so hard to not let myself down. to do the right thing. to be capable and strong. but i just feel defeated. i cant hold back all this shit i haven't been dealing with anymore.

i was thrown away.

how do you begin to deal with something like that.

today i was thrown away again.

i cant even speak. I'm devastated. how do people operate their lives this way. i just cant fathom wanting to hurt somebody so much. for such petty reasons. i want to be brave. i want to not care. but how can i not. its rejection from existence.

I'm emotionally exhausted by the psychological effect this is having on my potent neurosis. i trust too easily. I'm too naive. and everyone thinks I'm mean. when do i just give up completely.

L

NotUnfaithfulButHeHasNoFaith.InMe.

make me pretty. make me bright. fix me.

its almost christmas. new york had a blizzard today and i missed it. but im getting used to it here. im not sure what that means exactly. im getting closer and closer to the friends ive made and as much as it pains me to admit it when i leave im absolutly leaving some amazing people behind. its not painfull to admit they are amazing just painfull to think of the leaving and all the time left of staying. im almost a little afraid to hear what comes next.

if i could wish one thing on the world it would be more honesty. you know im a big advocate of the truth maybie even to a point where some might call me cruel. call me whatever you want im sure you have your reasons but truth telling is always the answer. even if it fucks shit up right now. ultimatly all will be correct. boys im talking to you. boys. boys. boys. im in such a weird place right now regarding my paramores and their intentions. stop fucking playing games with me. i spent the last two years being fucked with. even if you think its working its not. your wearing me down but to what. nothing good. if im close to you its because ive found a reason to respect you. stupid games do nothing but take that respect away. honesty boys. you dont even know how much easier your lives would be.

call me crazy/call me beautifull/call me deluded/call me manipulative/call me bad/call me yours

im a little obsessed with rihanna's song fire bomb. i know. i know. but if you know me well youll understand./////.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cV3bqaucAoY

love, L.

I.JustWantToSetYouOnFireSo.I.DontHaveToBurnAlone.

I just woke up from a nap. This woman on pbs is talking about emotional vampires. i live in a hotel and my peanut butter is too far away. i miss savannah. im feeling things in a very choppy cut up way and im not sure if its the nap or what. random thoughts. all diffrent. nothing extra or extrememe just different. i have two beds in my room. the one i dont use looks so sad. how come we feel emotions for inanimate objects. or is that just me.

we had cupcakes at the store today. our one month birthday. how long have a been here. over a month. is that it. i feel like ive been gone for a long time. but never anyplace else.

the woman is talking about an emotional type self quiz. i want it. they want a $200 donation. oh pbs. im poor. but im still emotional. (Am i{?})

i tried to google the quiz and all i found was an article: are you addicted to fear. yes. but not everyday. im trying to get better. today i ate a cupcake. and i live in a hotel.

Love, L.

I.AlmostMissMyBangstoday.Almost.

So you’ve found a friend. You spend all your cold nights with them,
but if i was there, then I’d wonder why you still wear my jacket closed
with traces of my scent.

I should be asleep. but im up thinking and its not bad. im starting to get a handle on what my priorities are and what my direction is going to be. i havent really had a clear idea of what i wanted of recent, which is strange for me cause ive always been very clear minded about who i am and what i want. it will take a little time for me to get things back on track, but at least i can now see where that is. i need to work on my positive thinking cause ive realized its gotten lost in the shuffle of the past year and its very easy for me fall into a hole of negative feelings. im so lucky to have the opertunites i do and the people in my life that are so amazing. i love spending time with my best friend of over 11 years. and i cant wait to come home to my family and friends back east however far away that is. i finally got to san fancisco and went over the golden gate bridge. at night. it was an amazing view. i still havent seen new moon. i really want to do that soon.

love, L.

SoilAndSixFeetUnder.//.Killed.//.JustLikeWeWere.//.BeforeYouKnewYou'dKnowMe.//.AndYouKnowMe.

Im not exactly sure why im writing tonight. I dont feel particularly expressive and dont really have anything pressing on my mind. or maybie thats a lie. i sang myself to sleep last night. the artist i so easily call upon to excuse my constant insanity has had enough of represion and has decided i need to figure out a way to create in the middle of misery town. and art comes from pain so often but when your stuck in a situation with out outlets thats painfull. what then. what then. maybie thats the answer. ill figure it out and great art will be unto this world. or maybie ill do some real damage to myself by holding it all in. oh. oh. oh. oh. i dont have a world to save. i dont have a reality or disillusion to call upon. im in no fantasy and no hiding place. i am lost ad found all at the same time. how do i exsist. and here comes that familier apathy. we are getting to be such friends these days. its supposed to be winter. its supposed to be snow and im supposed to be all bundled up in my white {faux} fur coat. im supposed to still love him. and never to have been to california. im supposed to still remember how to feel things. anything. somthing. i dont want to do somthing i dont know what it is. i feel nothing yet rebelious. i can tell from the outside that on the inside im sad but i cant reach it. im itchy with the healing process. funny how its the same with emotional wounds as with physical. get me out of here Laura. Let me go.

L

OnceUponA.Time.I.Fell.InLoveWithYou.And.RanFarFarAway.

i miss nyc. ive spent the last 10 months in boston feeling apathetic and wondering why i couldnt miss it the way i was supposed to. i do now. i miss my friends. i miss getting drunk at my favorite bars. i miss kissing the wrong boys. i miss the corner of lorimer and metroplitan. and i miss who i am when im surrounded by so much noise. i need that noise. its my companionship. it is to me what hugs are to children and people who can be affectionate with out pain. i miss taxis. i miss the stupid/crazy/amazing situations that we always end up getting into. i miss laughing. i dont think ive really laughed in a good long while. nothing entertains me. nothing feels like anything cause im so used to it feeling like so much. im waiting for a reason for this all to make sense to me. this being away. ill let tomorrow happen. and even the next day. but tonight all i feel is. i want to come home.

AndWhenYouCryYourselfToSleepItsNotCauseYouKnowMe.////

Laura Heartattack's Favorite Things Volume #2 (revised edition):

+google maps blackberry app.

+feather bed/lauraheartattack/down comforter sandwiches.//and pillows.

+my black boots no matter what.

+jacuzzi tubs.

+my still elusive chloe bag.

+truth-(minus)-tears.

+band aids.

+scar indecisiveness.

We'reAllStarsNow.InTheDopeShow.

. We Love Your Face. We'd Really Like To Sell You.////////////////////////

i never knew i was addicted to power. and what exactly am i struggling with now. its always somthing with you he told me. and it is. and it always will be. what do i want. well right now i want to listen to led zep and wish i has somthing harder than 7up to drink. how much of my motivation is heartbreak. have i even let myself feel that yet. or did i blow past it onto somthing else. most girls want to feel beautifull/loved/accepted. ive always been after much more complicated ventures. i already feel beautifull and loved. ive never been one for accaptance. its envy thats my drug. im the center of the universe but what happens when i stumble into somone else's universe. alot of strangness and newness and this overwhelming desire to win. win what. have what. be what. i cant tell. i dont behave myself when i start to feel vunerable. so this might just get interesting.

Love, Laura.

InMyHead.LA.IsA.MashUpOfValleyGirl.and.EarthGirlsAreEasy.

oh.oh.oh.

the whole world changed in an instant. im on my way to LA in a few hours. i packed my whole life in the biggest suitcase ive ever seen. not my whole life. a big piece is still missing. and i know i said i would walk away. but i lied. weather or not ive been left permanently erased remains to be seen. but today is about other things. things beyond (non?)romantic melodrama. ive never been to California or las vegas and im worried about my wardrobe. what does a girl who lives in new england and dresses like a vampire, even in the summer, bring to wear in the desert. im going to worry about this to keep from worrying about the modicum of other things i can/should be. cause im excited and would prefer to keep it that way. yesterday everything was different and tomorrow who knows what will take place. this is the life i live for. i hate being bored. i miss him. i struggle with this idea of being a strong person. what makes me strong. leaving forever? that doesnt seem right to me somehow. or it is and im shielding my weakness with tampered logic. but again this is not where my focus should be so i digress. it really is the biggest suitcase ive ever seen. im glad it has wheels. i still dont have my hotel information. but i think everything is going to be ok.

Love, L.

I.JustMadeYou.UpToHurtMyself.And.ItWorked.YesItDid.

THERE IS NO YOU. THERE IS ONLY ME.

alone. alone. alone. my natural state and it all makes sense. i finally told the truth and he hates me for it. these will be my last words on the subject. most of them not even my own. its sad when people dont see what they have. inside themselves and out. and by the time they catch a glimpse it will be too late. im about to start a journey that is bound to change my perspective in ways. and i cant guarantee who ill come out as on the other side. i have no real bitterness or resentment. just a sad knowing. and the memories ill keep sacred cause what else can i do. it was a moment. and ill keep it safe cause its mine to keep. im so excited to see what comes next. mediocrity seems to be the trend these days but not for me. no never me. i dont seek out the simple, convenient, or easy. i want it all and there is only one way to get it. and ill miss him. but if i had let it continue i would've missed myself a hell of a lot more.

love, L

I.Did.ItMyWay.

TouchMyTearsWithYourLips.TouchMyWorldWithYourFingertips.

Laura Heartattack's Favorite Things Volume #1 (revised edition):

+black lace bodysuits.

+tru blood drinks.

+boys that look like a ken doll.

+burning mental photos.

+kolonipin/////.

+machiavelli.

+self-isolation/listening to the adicts.

+my first cup of hot chocolate for the season <3.

IMPORTANT:Here/is/the/material/you/requested.////.

so im blogging again. i have missed you so my dollies. im online because i called out of work today. its my second week and im thinking its not a great reflection on me. but i dont care. i want to buy pretty things and chanel no5 but i also want to be ok. i havent felt ok in a long long time. i had a thought while i was walking back home today that whatever this is thats making me struggle so badly, if i get through it. ill be the strongest person alive. a super villain. or if you really know me the greatest person you ever met. im starting to think feeling sick isnt all in my head either. im all doped up on personality drugs and i still felt so sick i had to get off my bus and come home. maybe there is something to this acid reflux theory and I'm doing that thing i do where i always think im sick but when i actually am i wont admit it. /////. i hate her for this. Munchhausen mayhem. my phyciatrist says its a miracle i am even this well adjusted, that i have the perspective i do. it makes me sad for all the other people who's lives are more fucked up than mine. but i get it. i mean. fuck.

there is one girl at my new job that im completely enamored with. of course she pulls me aside the other day to have a conversation about weather or not i do drugs. and so it begins. do i do drugs? not anymore? but REALLy not anymore, or im living at home and isolating myself not anymore?///. scenes from the virgin suicides keep flashing through my head today. i wonder if ill ever think about c and not feel like its my bad boyfriend im still in love with but know i shouldn't see even though i want to. i really really want to. i wonder if ill ever stop seeing suicide everytime i close my eyes.