so im blogging again. i have missed you so my dollies. im online because i called out of work today. its my second week and im thinking its not a great reflection on me. but i dont care. i want to buy pretty things and chanel no5 but i also want to be ok. i havent felt ok in a long long time. i had a thought while i was walking back home today that whatever this is thats making me struggle so badly, if i get through it. ill be the strongest person alive. a super villain. or if you really know me the greatest person you ever met. im starting to think feeling sick isnt all in my head either. im all doped up on personality drugs and i still felt so sick i had to get off my bus and come home. maybe there is something to this acid reflux theory and I'm doing that thing i do where i always think im sick but when i actually am i wont admit it. /////. i hate her for this. Munchhausen mayhem. my phyciatrist says its a miracle i am even this well adjusted, that i have the perspective i do. it makes me sad for all the other people who's lives are more fucked up than mine. but i get it. i mean. fuck.
there is one girl at my new job that im completely enamored with. of course she pulls me aside the other day to have a conversation about weather or not i do drugs. and so it begins. do i do drugs? not anymore? but REALLy not anymore, or im living at home and isolating myself not anymore?///. scenes from the virgin suicides keep flashing through my head today. i wonder if ill ever think about c and not feel like its my bad boyfriend im still in love with but know i shouldn't see even though i want to. i really really want to. i wonder if ill ever stop seeing suicide everytime i close my eyes.
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