It's//not//going//to//be//us//he//said.//but//she//could'nt//hear//him//over//her//dreaming.

i think i'm feeling better but it might be the nyquil. stop me if i start making sense. what a week, what a life. i feel in general as if words are my friends. they keep me. and comfort me. words are my all access pass. but perhaps in certain settings, certain contexts, i have gotten too comfortable with my vocabulary and maybe i can find it in me to shut the hell up. xoxo L

Mental.Patients.

its the winter and im staying in for all of it. i cant come to terms with what is going on in my brain. nothing is wrong. nothing is right. i have everything i want. and nothing at all. i am in the strangest transition of my life thus far. and its fucking with me. i feel different i act the same. i act the same and i feel different.

and the things that im not saying. the things that im not writing. that i cant write. are...fucking with me even more i suppose.

do you ever feel that you are so close to somthing with somone. so almost atainable to them. that it will touch your eyelashes if it gets any closer.

so you close your eyes.

im not proud when im scared. im not proud when i make mistakes and i try very hard to fix them. to atone. to be new. the one thing i seem to be unable to give to anyone or anything is patients.

i tell myself ive changed. every single day. that i dont need to be afraid anymore. that the walls are broken and cracked and gone and im really really here now.

why does it have to be so hard to be the person that you believe yourself to be. maybe its not hard. maybe im the one being difficult.

its the winter and i should be asleep.

i.want.hope.chests.i.want.knick.knacks.i.want.to.love.you.

creativity and wonder. the whole world spilled open and she caught it in her hands. and found that it was not solid. and it fell around her feet like glitter.

For.A.Moment.I.WasLostForever.

a friend of my fathers has this drowning anecdote. he says that its the most peaceful death one can have. he got caught in a rip tide and after the struggling and chokeing and fear. he was left peacefull and resigned. floating to the bottem of his glass tomb. it was beautiful he said. granted he was rescued but the event made a clear impression as he tells it.

this is how my life felt.

then i felt rock bottom and i kicked as hard as my last breath could afford me. and i made it back alive.

impatience.

i am in a seemingly precarious mood. full of action. yet inaction. beaming with solitude. forging a path of vigorous thought. and little outside change. i find myself unable to find the issue of contemplation. but merely i am circling it. pondering all the corridors but never stumbling into the main room. and this my dear reader. is an entry of non entry. i have no words for what i am searching. no wisdom in my ignorance. nothing except fluttering syllables skirting around my own incompetence. perhaps i am not supposed to know. perhaps unknowing and comfort in the state of conceding to that fact. is all i ever really look to find.

HowDoYouKnowWhenLoveIsReal//.

My Grandmother wrote my Grandfather this letter while he was fighting WWII:

feb 13, 1942: " it's amazing what a difference just one person can make in ones life. i was telling the girls at work that a person could be lonely although surrounded by ones family and friends. so you see, honey, i do miss and love you a lot. this pen is driving me crazy. it's really awful! take care of yourself dearest, until we meet again, try to be as happy and safe as possible. goodnight my love, and god bless you."

I.Dream.In.French.These.Days.

I had confusing motivations for returning to school. and. when everyone remarked "what a positive step!" "what a great decision" i was less than pleased. i am a narcissist. i think "nobody understands me and the constructs of my life//decisions//brain". but alas. it turns out. albeit for not one of the reasons others attributed to the situation that it has in fact been a positive decision//step. and not just for the mere fact that it makes me do something everyday. i have been feeling better {better than last year} for a while but for whatever catalyst school has imposed it seems to have tipped me into wellness {relative wellness} once more. so fully awakened i sit. i walk. i speak. i breathe. and i wonder. i wonder where i really go when i get so lost.