its the winter and im staying in for all of it. i cant come to terms with what is going on in my brain. nothing is wrong. nothing is right. i have everything i want. and nothing at all. i am in the strangest transition of my life thus far. and its fucking with me. i feel different i act the same. i act the same and i feel different.and the things that im not saying. the things that im not writing. that i cant write. are...fucking with me even more i suppose.
do you ever feel that you are so close to somthing with somone. so almost atainable to them. that it will touch your eyelashes if it gets any closer.
so you close your eyes.
im not proud when im scared. im not proud when i make mistakes and i try very hard to fix them. to atone. to be new. the one thing i seem to be unable to give to anyone or anything is patients.
i tell myself ive changed. every single day. that i dont need to be afraid anymore. that the walls are broken and cracked and gone and im really really here now.
why does it have to be so hard to be the person that you believe yourself to be. maybe its not hard. maybe im the one being difficult.
its the winter and i should be asleep.
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