what an intense week. waiting. it might be the most unbearable thing in the world. i find so much comfort in information. a lack thereof terrifies me. im at yet another precipice of change. decisions to be made. and a few ive just set in stone after much searching of my soul. ive never been one to reject anything from my life. its always more. more. more. even if its toxic ill stay involved out of empathy//apathy//or even boredom. however im finding out what the consequences of allowing certain things into your life really is. we all only have so much space. and the bad can negate the good. its much more able to grab hold of a girl like me. im too close to evil to recognize. but i want to be good. to have good things. to WANT good things. to stop my sadomasochistic lifestyle. i mean to a point. ill always be a broken doll. its marked me as much as ive marked myself. but to want good things. that is somthing new for me. something i really need to get behind. for the sake of myself and the people that love me. they might not know that i know how hard it is to love somone who lusts after self destruction. it hurts to think about but i know. ill trade my knife for my microphone. and ill bleed out my mouth. and ill kiss like i mean it. and ill smile. and perhaps someday. ill hold hands with out hurting. i want. to want. to love. and to not be sore or afraid. or sedated.
Love, L.
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