Im reading my journal from last year.

August 16th, 2009. Sunday.

3:49pm. Elevators freak me out. I want to fast forward to happiness & light. But i dont want to lose time. Ill have an apartment & a puppy & boys to kiss standing up. Ill be medicated & healthy & full of light. Everyday ill smile and hyper pose in bathrooms. I can see my friends everyday & drink champagne on button velvet couches with filthy boys made of rock & roll. Ill smoke one cigarette a month in the most glamourous way possible. Ill walk fifth ave at night. Ill remember myself without forgetting myself. Ill be leather & champagne & lipstick & trouble.

ILL REMEMBER TO BE A REAL GIRL.///////.

L. Heartattack.

but the world gets in the way.

I//Wished//Your//Love//Away//.

everything is about to change. again. im feeling better. not all better. but i feel less broken than i did recently. there are some theories that have presented themselves to me as of late. things that ive never considered in my quest for self realization. life changing ideas. about who i am. my odd//awfull//scarred instincts. it gives me alot of hope. i tend to think i know everything. that ive considered every angle. but my tendency for the dramatic can red herring my logic. hope is something i needed. still need. im listening to music and just living this moment right now. i used to take the time to really feel the moment often. its all that got me by at one point. just having things be perfect for one small fraction of time. perfect because i decided they are. and nothing can get in. just me and the music. and the moment. and it isnt about anything. it just is.

Love,

L.

ThereIsNoRunningThatCanHideYouCause//.I//.CanSeeInTheDark.

what an intense week. waiting. it might be the most unbearable thing in the world. i find so much comfort in information. a lack thereof terrifies me. im at yet another precipice of change. decisions to be made. and a few ive just set in stone after much searching of my soul. ive never been one to reject anything from my life. its always more. more. more. even if its toxic ill stay involved out of empathy//apathy//or even boredom. however im finding out what the consequences of allowing certain things into your life really is. we all only have so much space. and the bad can negate the good. its much more able to grab hold of a girl like me. im too close to evil to recognize. but i want to be good. to have good things. to WANT good things. to stop my sadomasochistic lifestyle. i mean to a point. ill always be a broken doll. its marked me as much as ive marked myself. but to want good things. that is somthing new for me. something i really need to get behind. for the sake of myself and the people that love me. they might not know that i know how hard it is to love somone who lusts after self destruction. it hurts to think about but i know. ill trade my knife for my microphone. and ill bleed out my mouth. and ill kiss like i mean it. and ill smile. and perhaps someday. ill hold hands with out hurting. i want. to want. to love. and to not be sore or afraid. or sedated.

Love, L.

I Miss You.

//.