Dear Fear. Im coming for you.

Today with tears in my eyes i smiled at no one. I was walking down the street to get some breakfast. breakfast or walking down the street. respctively. would seem an arbitrary part of most peoples lives yet holds a specific and intense conentation for me. it took a very long time. too many days of disapointment. too many people who count on me finding me remiss and lifeless in my reactions. but i am finally here. however close i am to the haunting ever preseant there. on this side of my borderline personality disorder i have a chance. agony may come but dones not befall every moment. every breath. every thought. beyond these facts is also the promise that the fight is working. every fight or flight i come out of swinging i make a small yet not inconsiquential dent in the resolve of my demons. i was more than half dead. and today. i am more than half alive.

L.

ShadowboxerBaby////.

i went through the last year and half of my life in tweets the other night. its strange how memories can get convoluted with the passing of time. i was so sure. so sure. i knew the exact cause and effect of certain unraveling events in my life. i knew it. no shadow. no doubt. and one fraction of a moment spent examining arbitrary 140 character snapshots of my previous thoughts and everything i knew is proven false. i talk alot about alot and always come back around to the same conclusion. paraphrasing socrates: the only true knowledge comes from the acceptance that one knows nothing. at one point in my life this idea brought me out of a years long period of aversive tension and im hoping this shocking personal revelation can force me back into living with this idea in mind. therefore putting an end to my current regression into my horror. to take on the concept of being all knowing. even in the trite events of ones own life is too destroy that life. there are too many variables that can not be enumerated. the force of control is too lose all control. embracing my chaos might save me yet.

NotToday.

because i say superlative when i mean candid. because william shatner is the light of my life. because i smile at blood and cry at christmas commercials. because i don't believe in spelling but i do believe in magic. because i cant save money but cant throw away batteries. because i can say everything except what i need to say. because it meant everything to me.

L.

I.JustWantToRunToYouAndBreakAllTheChainsAndThrowThemAway/////.

Laura Heartattack's Favorite Things Volume #5 {revised edition}:

+cheekbones.

+bestfriends.

+gold sprinkle cupcakes.

+vintage barbie commercials.

+revenge.

+black dresses//.lace masonic symbols.

+parasols.

+murder walls.

YouSay.I.OnlyHearWhat.I.WantTo.

Laura Heartattack's Favorite Things Volume #4 {Revised Edition}:

+periods of self isolation.

+the eventual end of a period of self isolation.

+lace dresses from japan.

+the fact that only i am privy to my search history.

+re-darkened hair. {to match the soul?}

+fall sweaters.

+marlon brando.

+remembering how to sleep with out sedatives.

ItsJustA.TrickOfTheLightSheSays.DontPanic.DontPanic.

i dyed my hair. it looks black. it always looks black for the first week or so. two days ago i officially stopped taking my meds. or was it three. i dont talk to anyone. i dont see anyone. its overstated because ive been in solitude for mere days. i can feel the madness returning. and the tragedy. the pain. the beauty. the hope. im afraid of life without my klonopin shield. but i can feel a metaphorical pair of lungs burning and aching with relief. grasping every feeling and emotion that has been pushed and starved and choked away. i feel everything again. i feel too much. i feel in my strange scary way. and it feels like home.

Love,

L.

Oh.My.Darling.My.Love.

im in the most exceptional mood lately. creative and lovely and hopeful. no intense reason or thread to follow to see where the change happened. the world feels pretty and amazing. i want to dance and smile and play. i feel as though something i lost a long long time ago has been returned to me. and it makes the world of difference. and it makes the world different.

love, L.

TheOnlyThingThat.I.Ask:LoveMeMercilessly.

Laura Heartattack's Favorite Things Volume #3 {revised edition}:

+heartattack cocktails.

+metal garter belts.

+causing trouble in good girl clothes.

+vita coco.

+red hairbows.

+lolita.

+N.U.M.B.

+my eventual claire danes as juliet halloween costume.

Im reading my journal from last year.

August 16th, 2009. Sunday.

3:49pm. Elevators freak me out. I want to fast forward to happiness & light. But i dont want to lose time. Ill have an apartment & a puppy & boys to kiss standing up. Ill be medicated & healthy & full of light. Everyday ill smile and hyper pose in bathrooms. I can see my friends everyday & drink champagne on button velvet couches with filthy boys made of rock & roll. Ill smoke one cigarette a month in the most glamourous way possible. Ill walk fifth ave at night. Ill remember myself without forgetting myself. Ill be leather & champagne & lipstick & trouble.

ILL REMEMBER TO BE A REAL GIRL.///////.

L. Heartattack.

but the world gets in the way.

I//Wished//Your//Love//Away//.

everything is about to change. again. im feeling better. not all better. but i feel less broken than i did recently. there are some theories that have presented themselves to me as of late. things that ive never considered in my quest for self realization. life changing ideas. about who i am. my odd//awfull//scarred instincts. it gives me alot of hope. i tend to think i know everything. that ive considered every angle. but my tendency for the dramatic can red herring my logic. hope is something i needed. still need. im listening to music and just living this moment right now. i used to take the time to really feel the moment often. its all that got me by at one point. just having things be perfect for one small fraction of time. perfect because i decided they are. and nothing can get in. just me and the music. and the moment. and it isnt about anything. it just is.

Love,

L.

ThereIsNoRunningThatCanHideYouCause//.I//.CanSeeInTheDark.

what an intense week. waiting. it might be the most unbearable thing in the world. i find so much comfort in information. a lack thereof terrifies me. im at yet another precipice of change. decisions to be made. and a few ive just set in stone after much searching of my soul. ive never been one to reject anything from my life. its always more. more. more. even if its toxic ill stay involved out of empathy//apathy//or even boredom. however im finding out what the consequences of allowing certain things into your life really is. we all only have so much space. and the bad can negate the good. its much more able to grab hold of a girl like me. im too close to evil to recognize. but i want to be good. to have good things. to WANT good things. to stop my sadomasochistic lifestyle. i mean to a point. ill always be a broken doll. its marked me as much as ive marked myself. but to want good things. that is somthing new for me. something i really need to get behind. for the sake of myself and the people that love me. they might not know that i know how hard it is to love somone who lusts after self destruction. it hurts to think about but i know. ill trade my knife for my microphone. and ill bleed out my mouth. and ill kiss like i mean it. and ill smile. and perhaps someday. ill hold hands with out hurting. i want. to want. to love. and to not be sore or afraid. or sedated.

Love, L.

I Miss You.

//.

///////////.

im never going to be ok am i.

.//.Your hair is damp from the rain.//.Hungry eyes that look like lust.//.The ghosts of lost loves follow you.//.You feel but you can't trust.//.

so i haven't really been writing much. here or other wise. this week has been a little crazy. ive been back on the east coast for over a full week now. i dont really even know what i think. nyc is home. so there is this element of it being exactly how it is supposed to be. but ive been gone. ive changed in significant and insignificant ways. but yet im still the same as always. and thats what being here is. different and the same all at once. i find myself finding comfort in the only place ive ever been that i haven't been waiting to leave. and yet i yearn for parts of it that are forever lost to me. is this life. growing older. or does any of it matter at all. i want so much. and there is so much to be done. and i am happy. there are just these tiny moments that prick me like needles. memories of lives already lived. loves already forgotten. but not really. because it never really wiill be. Happiness is not the absence of pain. For some of us its all we have to distinguish it.

Speak on it Girl Episode#2.

8:05:19 PM LauraHearattack.: im getting business cards

8:05:29 PM LauraHearattack.: i love getting business cards

8:05:39 PM derektrainwreck: i need to get some!

8:05:47 PM LauraHearattack.: ya you do

8:05:51 PM LauraHearattack.: then we can trade

8:05:56 PM LauraHearattack.: like pogs

8:08:53 PM derektrainwreck: or stds

//////////////.

so i guess that left me feeling empty not wanting. so i wanted to want again.

A.Little.Girl.I.Know.

Im moving back to NYC. It will be exactly one year to the day that i left. Christina and i are mutual heroes but i can help feel that it was always meant to be this way. I feel so happy. I feel excited. I feel like crying. and a little nauseus. No more hiding away. I cant hide in Boston and I cant hide in California. Im not sure im ready. Im not sure ill ever be. But its home and im not capable of being away anymore either. So let the chips fall where they may. Im stronger now. I have an altilery in the form of a little doll. And i need to sing. So ill be home soon. Real life might make me a real girl yet.

Love, Laura.