sad. sad. sad.

I've been trying so hard to not let myself down. to do the right thing. to be capable and strong. but i just feel defeated. i cant hold back all this shit i haven't been dealing with anymore.

i was thrown away.

how do you begin to deal with something like that.

today i was thrown away again.

i cant even speak. I'm devastated. how do people operate their lives this way. i just cant fathom wanting to hurt somebody so much. for such petty reasons. i want to be brave. i want to not care. but how can i not. its rejection from existence.

I'm emotionally exhausted by the psychological effect this is having on my potent neurosis. i trust too easily. I'm too naive. and everyone thinks I'm mean. when do i just give up completely.

L

NotUnfaithfulButHeHasNoFaith.InMe.

make me pretty. make me bright. fix me.

its almost christmas. new york had a blizzard today and i missed it. but im getting used to it here. im not sure what that means exactly. im getting closer and closer to the friends ive made and as much as it pains me to admit it when i leave im absolutly leaving some amazing people behind. its not painfull to admit they are amazing just painfull to think of the leaving and all the time left of staying. im almost a little afraid to hear what comes next.

if i could wish one thing on the world it would be more honesty. you know im a big advocate of the truth maybie even to a point where some might call me cruel. call me whatever you want im sure you have your reasons but truth telling is always the answer. even if it fucks shit up right now. ultimatly all will be correct. boys im talking to you. boys. boys. boys. im in such a weird place right now regarding my paramores and their intentions. stop fucking playing games with me. i spent the last two years being fucked with. even if you think its working its not. your wearing me down but to what. nothing good. if im close to you its because ive found a reason to respect you. stupid games do nothing but take that respect away. honesty boys. you dont even know how much easier your lives would be.

call me crazy/call me beautifull/call me deluded/call me manipulative/call me bad/call me yours

im a little obsessed with rihanna's song fire bomb. i know. i know. but if you know me well youll understand./////.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cV3bqaucAoY

love, L.

I.JustWantToSetYouOnFireSo.I.DontHaveToBurnAlone.

I just woke up from a nap. This woman on pbs is talking about emotional vampires. i live in a hotel and my peanut butter is too far away. i miss savannah. im feeling things in a very choppy cut up way and im not sure if its the nap or what. random thoughts. all diffrent. nothing extra or extrememe just different. i have two beds in my room. the one i dont use looks so sad. how come we feel emotions for inanimate objects. or is that just me.

we had cupcakes at the store today. our one month birthday. how long have a been here. over a month. is that it. i feel like ive been gone for a long time. but never anyplace else.

the woman is talking about an emotional type self quiz. i want it. they want a $200 donation. oh pbs. im poor. but im still emotional. (Am i{?})

i tried to google the quiz and all i found was an article: are you addicted to fear. yes. but not everyday. im trying to get better. today i ate a cupcake. and i live in a hotel.

Love, L.

I.AlmostMissMyBangstoday.Almost.

So you’ve found a friend. You spend all your cold nights with them,
but if i was there, then I’d wonder why you still wear my jacket closed
with traces of my scent.

I should be asleep. but im up thinking and its not bad. im starting to get a handle on what my priorities are and what my direction is going to be. i havent really had a clear idea of what i wanted of recent, which is strange for me cause ive always been very clear minded about who i am and what i want. it will take a little time for me to get things back on track, but at least i can now see where that is. i need to work on my positive thinking cause ive realized its gotten lost in the shuffle of the past year and its very easy for me fall into a hole of negative feelings. im so lucky to have the opertunites i do and the people in my life that are so amazing. i love spending time with my best friend of over 11 years. and i cant wait to come home to my family and friends back east however far away that is. i finally got to san fancisco and went over the golden gate bridge. at night. it was an amazing view. i still havent seen new moon. i really want to do that soon.

love, L.

SoilAndSixFeetUnder.//.Killed.//.JustLikeWeWere.//.BeforeYouKnewYou'dKnowMe.//.AndYouKnowMe.

Im not exactly sure why im writing tonight. I dont feel particularly expressive and dont really have anything pressing on my mind. or maybie thats a lie. i sang myself to sleep last night. the artist i so easily call upon to excuse my constant insanity has had enough of represion and has decided i need to figure out a way to create in the middle of misery town. and art comes from pain so often but when your stuck in a situation with out outlets thats painfull. what then. what then. maybie thats the answer. ill figure it out and great art will be unto this world. or maybie ill do some real damage to myself by holding it all in. oh. oh. oh. oh. i dont have a world to save. i dont have a reality or disillusion to call upon. im in no fantasy and no hiding place. i am lost ad found all at the same time. how do i exsist. and here comes that familier apathy. we are getting to be such friends these days. its supposed to be winter. its supposed to be snow and im supposed to be all bundled up in my white {faux} fur coat. im supposed to still love him. and never to have been to california. im supposed to still remember how to feel things. anything. somthing. i dont want to do somthing i dont know what it is. i feel nothing yet rebelious. i can tell from the outside that on the inside im sad but i cant reach it. im itchy with the healing process. funny how its the same with emotional wounds as with physical. get me out of here Laura. Let me go.

L